This effective tactic will save you from a nervous breakdown and teach your child to control their emotions and behavior.

What is "under-responsiveness" and how it helps to cope with children's disobedience

Surely, you are familiar with this situation: you are trying to get some actions that are absolutely necessary, in your opinion, from the child, but to no avail - it seems that they do not hear you at all. Or suddenly the child gets out of control and runs around the ceiling, not responding to words. Or he himself requires something from you that is not possible at the moment. In a word, we are talking about a tense, conflict situation, fraught with screams, punishments and tears.

For example, you several times with increasing persuasiveness told the child that he should put away toys, get dressed, undress, brush his teeth, go to bed, etc., but there was no result, and there is still no. Your nerves give out and you break down.

But the louder you scream, the less chance of a calm resolution of the situation.

Psychologist and specialist in family relations Vanessa Kalon recommends that  the next time the child is leaps and bounds closer to pissing you off, try not to react violently (which he subconsciously expects), but rather sluggishly. In a word, it is better for parents to “under-react” than “over-react” .

Because it is possible that the child enjoys how you fly off the coils. 

It is important to note that this is not at all about ignoring the behavior of the child . “When you ignore disobedience or just let it go, the child may get the feeling that he is in charge in this situation ,” Kalon explains. - Of course, it is very important that the child has his own opinion and his own voice, but it is even more important that he understands that adults are the main ones here. This is the only way to build a healthy relationship with him.” 

"Unresponsive" - ​​how is it?

If the child runs away from you on the street, does not want to collect toys, and, in general, does not obey, try following the plan suggested by Kalon (instead of going to cry):

  1. Speak in a calm voice and keep a straight face.
  2. Wait until the child is able to listen to you , and repeat what you want from him (for example, "I'm waiting for you to come to your senses and collect toys").
  3. If there is no reaction to your words, set a time limit and indicate the consequences (for example, "I'm waiting for you to start collecting toys. We were going to go to the playground, but we won't do it until the toys are collected").

The “under-response” mode should be used when the child is hysterical or provokes you to a breakdown by his behavior, when the child experiences strong emotions (here it is enough for you to show sympathy and understanding, and not rush to correct the situation), or when any difficult family events or more occur. global scale. In the latter case, by remaining calm and collected, you show the child an example of how to behave in such situations.

The Benefits of Under-Responding

  1. You avoid escalating the conflict.
  2. The child develops a sense of stability and predictability.
  3. The child feels more confident and knows he is safe .
  4. He learns to get out of conflict situations, control his emotions and behavior.
  5. The family creates a positive atmosphere of acceptance and support.
The under-response strategy works whether you're dealing with a three-year-old or a teenager.
“It is very useful for children of all ages to see that parents react to difficult, stressful situations calmly, with restraint, rationally and effectively,” the psychologist explains. 

How not to break

To better deal with under-response, use strategies that help you control yourself . It could be breathing exercises, meditation, or something else.

It is also useful to analyze what exactly makes you break down during conflicts with a child , at what point you usually lose patience, and develop a plan for your behavior in such situations. Maybe you need to take a step back, give yourself time to catch your breath and react in a conscious and measured way.