Double standards are an unpleasant thing, but, unfortunately, quite common. Many rightly believe that they have no place in a couple. Psychologist Tatyana Korotkova tells how to relate to this phenomenon and avoid its negative consequences.
What destroys love and trust
In the overwhelming majority of cases, double standards are traumatic: they do not allow partners to feel the value of each other, even with a mutual desire for justice. Of course, you don't have to follow the general guidelines.
Today, each union has individual rules that do not always imply equal conditions. The main thing is to remember that there are things that are completely harmless, and there are those that purposefully lead relationships to collapse.
What can be banned and how does it look in practice?
- Choice of clothes: "We choose for you together, and I go as I want." Choice of friends: "I know better who suits you, but I will decide for myself."
- Unilateral refusal of intimate relationships under far-fetched pretexts: "headache", bad mood.
- Inability to take the first step towards reconciliation: "You are a man, you must take the initiative."
- The ban on jealousy and flirting on the principle of "I can - you can not."
- Different responsibility for failure to fulfill promises and lack of attention to the partner.
This list, of course, can be continued. Every couple has their own list of taboos. Therefore, it is better to find out in advance what causes pain and outright rejection.
Masking double standards
It should be taken into account that double standards are not always voiced directly. Basically, this is broadcast indirectly, avoiding ultimatums, through actions.
If one of the partners allows himself what is not allowed to the other, and at the same time makes an innocent face, then there are two options for the outcome of events:
- conflict, resentment, quarrel;
- acceptance and tacit acceptance as if nothing had happened.
In the first case, talking about injustice can lead to accusations of harshness, cruelty and bad temper. And this is already an alarming signal: next to you is a lover of manipulation.
Well, the second point is an unspoken agreement: everything suits everyone, peace in the family is more important. Inside the union of a man and a woman, double standards can be carefully veiled. Often they are disguised as an equivalent exchange, while words are at odds with deeds.
For example, a spouse promises not to interfere with her husband's passion for fishing, but in reality she is offended when he is going to sit by the river on a day off. Reproaches can be followed by various punishments as a form of influence on the offender.
How to get rid of the problem: 4 main rules
- Discuss all controversial issues at the family council.
- Agreements must be clear and justified. Find out the reasons for prohibitions and requirements, look for a solution that will suit both.
- Establish general laws binding on all. Do not bring the situation to a conflict of interest.
- Keep your promises, even if it's hard. Remember that a deal is more valuable than money.
The Foundation of a Healthy Relationship
In any case, infringement of rights and violation of personal boundaries will sooner or later play its unseemly role and lead to undesirable, if not catastrophic, consequences. Why is that? It must be understood that the basis of a healthy relationship is the idea of reciprocity. This means that all people are different, but everyone is worthy of respect. Therefore, the rules should be the same for everyone.
The parties have the right to express emotions and express judgments, while not forgetting the interests of each other. Only in this way is it possible to create a comfortable space for two people living in an atmosphere of warmth, and not an eternal struggle for superiority.
The principles of equality are relevant both at the personal and at the state level, when legal norms are clear, transparent and uniform for all. As a result, trust and a sense of security are formed.
The emergence of double standards signals that one of the partners has risked upsetting the delicate balance. Biting comments under the slogan "The best defense is an attack" will not help the cause, rather, they will lead to disappointment. But the realization of the injustice of one's own requirements will provide the long-awaited peace both in the soul and in the house.
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