How to understand and notice the signs that you have been emotionally abused? Where are those criteria to determine the harm done to our psyche? Often they are much more serious than bruises on the body.

5 signs of emotional abuse: how to recognize and what to do

Alarm "calls"

The worst thing is that a person may not even realize that he lives in a situation of psychological emotional abuse, because in his perception this is the norm, because the same thing happened to him in childhood. Moreover, the role of the " victim " is familiar and, strange as it may sound, desirable.

Not because he enjoys being in a state of sacrifice, but because she is well known to him. He knows how to interact with the world in this role. Everything is familiar, albeit painful.As an adult, a person who was emotionally abused as a child will choose the aggressors in his environment over and over again.Both at work and in personal relationships.

But there is not always an extreme scenario of development, to get out of which the help of a specialist is needed. Even if you are a person without such childhood experiences, you are still not immune from emotional abuse from other people who are especially significant to you.

Emotional abuse often hurts our psyche more than physical abuse. And, unfortunately, it happens much more often. Therefore, it cannot be ignored. This trap is easy to fall into if you are in love, want to be in a relationship with a person who is prone to emotional abuse. The partner imperceptibly suggests that everything he does is normal, that something is wrong with you, that you are to blame for something ( gaslighting ).

And, despite the fact that there are no bruises on the body, the psyche becomes wounded and traumatized. Next, we will deal with the forms and signs of emotional abuse, which can sometimes go unnoticed.

5 signs of emotional abuse

1. Total control

The first sign is that the partner is trying to overly control your movements, meetings and location. Even when it's completely inappropriate. For example, he calls too often and every time he asks where you are, what you are doing now, who you are with. And at first it can even be pleasant, because it seems to you that the partner is showing attention, interest. Often we are in a deficit of attention, and it is for him that we take control.

In this case try to carefully analyze the situation. Just see which questions are normal and which ones already violate personal boundaries . If you notice that now you do not want to share information with your partner about where and with whom you are, then you should tell him about it in the correct form. Or agree with him right away how many calls during the day are comfortable for you.

2. Ignore

The second symptom is neglect. Everyone is familiar with the game of silence. If, according to your partner, you didn’t do what he wanted, not in accordance with his expectations, for example, you didn’t want to watch his favorite series in the evening, you preferred to chat with your girlfriend on the phone, then emotional abuse will be a demonstration of resentment by ignoring your questions, suggestions to clarify what happened.

Such a boycott can last for more than one day, and the longer it takes, the more emotional tension grows. On the one hand, you seem to be free and can do whatever you want, but emotionally, as if chained to a partner and his manipulations, you are immersed in  guilt , which fetters and brings suffering. Until the moment when the partner deigns to “forgive” you.

What to do? Without waiting for such an incident, talk about your feelings when a partner does this. At the same time, it is very important not to blame him in response, but simply to tell about the pain that you experience when he does not notice you, and agree that he will directly speak about his offense or indignation at your actions.

It should be noted that ignoring is one of the most difficult experiences, which immediately plunges into childhood traumatic experiences.It is easier for a child to experience direct aggression with physical violence than a situation when they stop noticing him. He starts to feel like he doesn't exist. And this is one of the most painful experiences.

3. Comparison

The third sign is comparison. Comparison with your mother, sister, ex -wife of a friend - with anyone not in your favor, and even in your favor - is still a position from above. He is big, you are small. The partner seems to be getting taller, and he has the right to give you an assessment.

Despite the fact that such an assessment is pleasant for us, it is necessary to understand that this is a manifestation of violence. If he has the right to give us a positive assessment, then he will definitely give a negative one when he does not like something.

For example, you will cook borscht that is not as tasty as his mother's. Therefore, when a partner compares you with someone else, this is a manifestation of emotional abuse. It is important to talk about this right away, not blaming, but reporting your feelings, that you are hurt by such comparisons, you would like him not to give an assessment, but only express his opinion based on facts.

For example: “Today I didn’t really like the borscht that you cooked, because, in my opinion, it doesn’t have enough spices or it’s too salty.” At the same time, she omits the information that her mother always cooks the perfect borscht.

4. Blackmail

The fourth sign is blackmail. This is another type of emotional abuse when a partner threatens with unpleasant consequences, undesirable actions on his part, and all sorts of troubles that are sure to happen in your relationship if you do not act as he expects.

Where in blackmail can be overlooked immediately. After all, a blackmailer does not always blackmail directly and aggressively, he can deftly manipulate, pretending to be a victim, or suddenly he will have a heart attack if you refused to go to visit his mother or call her to you. This may include appeals to your conscience, to the fact that good people receive guests even when they do not want to, because it is so important to keep the brand of a hospitable person.

In this case, blackmail is not easy to recognize, because you want to be a hospitable hostess or a friendly girl. Yes, and when the pressure on your spouse rises, you sincerely feel sorry for him, and you have no idea that this is just manipulation on his part. And unconscious, because the pressure rises in fact.

In any emotional abuse, both sides always suffer: both the victim and the aggressor. Just each in their own way. In this case, the way out will be, first of all, to learn to recognize when they are trying to manipulate you, and, without devaluing the partner’s feelings, still follow your desires or find a compromise.

5. Depreciation

The fifth sign is depreciation. Your feelings, desires, friends, hobbies. All or part of what is important to you. And not necessarily the partner wants to hurt, it just seems to him that his hobbies, feelings are more important than yours. The most common devaluing phrase is "don't worry, it's not worth your tears."

Often in this case, it seems to the partner that he is supporting you, reassures you, and he is unaware that at the moment he is devaluing your experiences. And again uh this often happens not because of malicious intent, it’s just difficult for him to face his strong feelings, and he, avoiding them, urges you to avoid feelings too.

When he devalues ​​your friends, in his picture of the world this is a manifestation of caring. He knows better how they use you, how they really treat you. This is all from his personal experience. Perhaps in his life friends were unreliable, and it is this knowledge that he applies to your environment.

When struggling with this kind of emotional abuse, the most important thing is not to argue, not to prove that you are right, to learn yourself not to devalue your feelings and desires, to appreciate friends and hobbies. Then your partner will have no choice but to start doing it too.

In any case, the most important way out of the game called "emotional abuse" is not to pretend that everything will resolve itself. It is important to start adjusting your boundaries and enter into a constructive dialogue with your partner.