In each of us there are three fascinating subpersonalities, these are the roles of the inner child, parent and adult. Psychologist Anastasia Voytovich spoke about their features and how to be in harmony with each.

Parent, Adult, Child: How to Stay in Harmony with Every Side of Your Personality

The author of the concept of "Child, Adult and Parent" is Eric Berne, who described in detail the behavior and reactions of each of the roles so that people can consciously manage their internal reactions, emotions, behavior, and therefore their lives and relationships.

These ego states are the internal position from which we emote, make decisions, and act. Let's take a closer look at each of them.


In order not to be confused with the position of the Adult (which we will discuss below), I will immediately say that the distinctive manifestations of the Parent are behavioral strategies that we received from adults who are significant to us in childhood, when our relationship to ourselves and the world was formed. These can be models of behavior of mom or dad, educator or teacher.

Unconsciously playing the role of the inner parent at some points, we begin to treat ourselves in adulthood in the same way as we were treated in childhood. It is important for us to figure out whose voice in our head criticizes or approves our behavior. and sounds in the background, influencing goals and desires.

If the inner Parent is in positive manifestation, then the person:

  • knows how to care, protect and approve;
  • guards its vital values;
  • knows how to make a choice, relies on their internal guidelines and attitudes;
  • helps others from a “senior” position;
  • provides himself and others with basic security.

If the Parent is “wounded” inside, then the person:

  • tells others how to live, constantly receives and gives unsolicited advice;
  • criticizes everyone and everything (including himself);
  • has inadequate self-esteem : either overestimated or underestimated, quite often one replaces the other;
  • constantly waiting for the approval and evaluation of others.


The role of the inner Child is emotional and infantile. Many remain children into adulthood with emotional behavior that they learned in early childhood.

Initially, the inner child is trusting and sincere., but as we gain experience of interacting with the outside world, we get injured , and he often turns into a capricious, touchy or incredulous baby, which does not allow the soul to be creative and capable of unconditional love.

The wounded inner child manifests when a person:

  • prone to fears, resentments and whims;
  • gets into the position of “I want, I don’t want”;
  • not independent in matters of ensuring their basic needs;
  • relies on the opinions and advice of others;
  • pleases, tries to get praise;
  • feels self-doubt, unwillingness to learn new things;
  • shows stubbornness, gets angry, argues.
Positive manifestation of the inner Child:

  • a person is very open and lives from the state of “I want”; does what he loves, is creative, enjoys life, knows how to make non-standard decisions;
  • makes decisions, listening to intuition, loves his inner world;
  • knows how to fool around, flirt;
  • knows how to express himself in an environmentally friendly way;
  • can show sincere joy, gratitude, emotional lightness.
Harmoniously developed inner Parent and inner Child provide the basis for successful development of the inner Adult in all spheres of life.


The Inner Adult within us is about “I am the master of my life and I am fully responsible for everything that happens.”

Positive qualities of the inner Adult:

  • the ability to soberly assess the situation, the presence of logical and flexible thinking;
  • the ability to organize any life processes;
  • the ability to make money doing what you love;
  • lack of uncontrollable emotions;
  • communication with others from the position of "all are equal", with respect for the emotions and work of other people;
  • the ability to be in the “moment”, not to worry about the future and not regret the past.
To grow an Adult in yourself, you need to admit to yourself those behavioral patterns that make us dependent on uncontrollable emotions and feelings when we shift responsibility to the people around us, situations and circumstances.

How do these individuals interact with each other?

I hope that everyone realizes and recognizes himself in all three roles, since each of them is very important for the integrity and harmonious living of one's life.

As a Child, we know how to enjoy, be light and creative. In the person of the controlling Parent, we find the patron and protector of our feelings and desires, we can logically and soberly assess our aspirations and states, provide ourselves with basic needs, love ourselves and not look for external support out of need.

Sometimes you need to pat yourself on the head, and take yourself for a massage, and give a new outfit, you can take it to a creative master class, draw up a competent work schedule, make a “balance wheel” schedule in order to systematically cover your own desires and needs .

Gradually cultivating the best in ourselves, we become Adults filled with energy, ideas, realization, we are so abundant that we begin to share what we have (someone has knowledge, physical help, kind words) from a position of unconditional love and a desire for peace, and not from a need and a dependent position.

How to hear each of these personalities and be in harmony with each of them

You need to ask yourself questions to hear the answers:

  • What do I feel now?
  • What am I thinking now?
  • What am I doing now?
  • What do I want now?
It would seem simple, but no! I myself forgot these questions and for a long time turned to the abstract with these words. I strongly advise you to write down the answers and practice this exercise daily.

The harmony between these three roles is such a barely perceptible state when you feel support under your feet, you thank for any situation in life and dream with passion and set goals.

For example: The child dreams, fantasizes, rejoices - it gives goosebumps. The parent begins to ask questions, “how can I organize this”? Thinks out a rational plan for the implementation of the plan.

An adult calmly realizes, rejoices and knows that this victory is rightfully his.

Practice to work with these three personalities

Let's not immediately change something in ourselves, but give ourselves time and space to explore our parts. A great way is to start keeping a diary of your feelings and reactions. In addition, I will tell you about one of my favorite methods.

You can take small objects (I have pebbles or shells) and give each of them the names appropriate for the roles: Child, Adult, Parent.

First we take the subject of the Adult, since this is the role we aspire to as a Sage (thoughtful, reasonable), and we ask the Child questions on his behalf: What do you not allow yourself? How do you want to show up? Where are you pinching yourself? Where are you wasting your energy?

Then we take the subject of the Child and begin to answer sincerely from his position. Next, take the subject of the Parent and ask: Where do you suppress yourself? Where and how do you transfer responsibility? What are you criticizing for?

Now we take the Adult again, feel ourselves in this role and begin to analyze which attitudes and thoughts prevent us from feeling harmonious, and which, on the contrary, help this.