Communication after a breakup is always very difficult, and it will definitely affect new relationships, and more often just interfere with them. Is there a danger in such friendship and what to do to maintain the current relationship, our expert, psychologist Evgenia Pimenova, said.
Why do guys hang out with ex-girlfriends?
In this matter, it is worth starting with what generally makes people communicate with their exes. The very understanding of the reason can say a lot about both your relationship and your partner, and, unfortunately, not always good. First, pay attention to who initiated the breakup.
Much fewer questions about a guy's communication with an ex arise if he was the initiator of the break. But even so, his desire to maintain communication may be due to the desire to "protect his own territory."
Such a possessive position: we broke up with her, but I will still control her and her new relationship. The problem is that men who act in this way are more likely to behave despotic and authoritarian in relationships, they are often referred to as an abuser.
The second reason why a guy is friends with an ex-girlfriend (despite the fact that he himself initiated the breakup) is guilt. Perhaps it seems to a person that he caused his ex severe pain, which she herself cannot cope with on her own, and this may indeed be the case, or the separation did not happen in the most beautiful way. Either the man is tormented by remorse: he did not love his girlfriend enough, could not give what she wanted, or remains in an obsolete relationship.
So, for example, for " people-rescuers " such a reaction can be very natural. They seem to take too much upon themselves, assuming that a person cannot cope without them and will crumble. The problem is that by having the intention of helping the former partner through a difficult breakup, the “rescuer” is doing her a disservice and thinking more about himself.
After all, remaining in her life, he does not allow her to fully live this parting and start a new relationship. In addition, he takes on too much responsibility. Choosing to end an unhappy relationship is a choice of oneself.
If a person feels guilty when choosing himself, this is a big question for his self-esteem and self-worth. Another option is the young man's doubts about the breakup. That is, he left the girl, but doubts that he did the right thing. Trying to sit on two chairs, keeps in touch with the former, even being already in a new relationship.
The problem is that in this case, he will constantly unconsciously compare the former and current partner, and often not in favor of the latter. Because, firstly, if there is doubt, everything will be adjusted to it, we will unconsciously notice for ourselves only things that correspond and support our conviction.
And secondly, our psyche is arranged in such a way that we often idealize and romanticize the past, which means that it can win against the background of the real present. We love most what we lose.
When an ex wants to be friends
Well, let's figure out why to communicate with the former, if it was she who decided to end the relationship. By the way, this is the worst of the options. After all, it is the partner who is abandoned who has more feelings. Yes, and resentment can contribute to getting stuck in past relationships. Therefore, of course, it is worth saying that most often at the moment of parting, the partner who is being abandoned may have many feelings for another, for him the parting may be sudden, unwanted, and he may continue to experience strong love for the now former .
In this case, continued communication with her can mean only one thing - he did not survive the breakup and emotionally cannot let her go. He can be content with just being around periodically, he may want her to change her mind, and he will certainly be nearby at that moment.
In addition, his meetings with the former may be related to control, so that no one else takes the place of her new boyfriend. That is, his goal is to prevent the former from building a new relationship. The current partner, in general, in this case, can practically act as a psychotherapist: accumulate the guy's feelings, console him, support him. The problem is that such relationships are almost always doomed and end when the main experiences have passed.
Both are to blame for the breakup.
Another option is when both turned out to be the initiators of the end of the relationship. This happens all the same, when there were no relations, either in principle as such, and people were initially united, for example, only by friendship, or relations faded long ago and people simply remained with each other out of habit or due to other circumstances.
Now, if in such a couple there was no passion initially, then their communication after the end of the relationship, however, may not pose a threat to the current relationship. They can keep exactly friendly communication, which probably will not grow into something more.
You seem to be in trouble
But it should also be said that communication with the former may be associated with problems in the current relationship. The guy can just complain to the ex, tell her about all the problems in your relationship. This is bad for the relationship, but it seems to be a convenient option, because the ex will most likely be on the side of the guy, and awkward situations will not happen, because there is little chance that the former and real girls will communicate with each other.
Another not-so-pleasant option is when a guy communicates with an ex to manipulate his value, using this as leverage to influence you. That is, as if saying: "If anything, I have someone to go to." Manipulation is almost always used by extremely insecure people or people who are used to using others for their own purposes. And then you should think about whether you really need such a person.
Is there friendship after love?
Yes, the former herself may be the initiator of maintaining communication, but I deliberately do not say this, because the motives have already been listed, they do not depend on gender. But the responsibility to agree to this communication or not, to support it or not, in any case, lies with the guy.
Compromise is important
In general, communication after the end of a relationship, if it was once meaningful and filled with love and passion, is rather inappropriate. From a psychological point of view, this is rather not the norm.
The past must remain in the past. You cannot fully be present in a new relationship without completing the previous one. In addition, it is important to understand how you feel in such a triangle, and this is exactly a triangle , regardless of the type of communication between the former.
If your boyfriend communicates, is friends with the former - this one way or another can cause you jealousy, anxiety, irritation and resentment. And that's okay. It is normal that you are not ready to share your partner with another woman with whom they once had a deep romantic connection.
Yes, it's okay for us to continue to keep in touch with other people when we're in a relationship, but is it wise to do this with an ex? Such relationships will always carry a threat. What to do if you find out that your lover communicates with the former regularly and close enough.
The first is to talk. The best way is a calm, frank conversation. Just do not start a conversation with claims and emotional pressure, this will scare off your partner and make him take a defensive position, start to attack back or close.
Try to find out for a start what is so important in the relationship that he still maintains. This will help you better understand the reasons for their communication. Secondly, it is important to openly talk about your experiences and feelings, what worries you, what thoughts overcome you. If you are important to a partner and your feelings are not indifferent to him, he will try to enter into your position and will do everything possible to establish a connection and come to a compromise.
It is also important to say how you see the solution to this problem. Do you want communication to stop altogether or to remain only in a certain format. After all, there are situations, for example, when a guy has a group of friends, and this company includes his ex, or they generally have a common business.
Of course, forcing a guy to stop communicating with everyone in this company or quit is not the best solution, and you should not do this, but maybe it makes sense to set some boundaries, for example, attend meetings together or just ask him if possible reduce communication with the former to the necessary minimum.
The main thing is not to sort things out with the former, this can only aggravate the problem, and it will spoil your nerves. And also do not roll up scenes and scandals. This is unlikely to solve the problem, but it will add tension to your relationship.
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