Clinical psychologist Yulia Vladis told when it's time to end a relationship and how to stop loving a person you love a lot.

How to stop loving the person you love: 7 tricks from a psychologist

Life goes on

If we are talking about a painful breakup, then most likely you got into a traumatic relationship based on  codependency . In this situation, a person has the illusion that he cannot live without a partner. He may regard the relationship as love, but in fact it is just an attachment that a child has for a parent.

At the same time, fear may appear that you yourself will not be able to cope and will not survive without your loved one. There is a feeling of helplessness. And here it is extremely it is important to understand what needs your partner covered for you, and find ways to ensure that they are closed on your own. For example, it is extremely important to start giving support, care, attention to yourself.

On the contrary, when a woman is in her place in a couple, she does not fall into parent-child interaction with a man. She does not transfer the figure of a father to a partner, because she herself knows how to close all her basic needs for emotions and finances on her own.

If you have an uncontrollable fear of losing a partner, it means that you were the receiving party in the relationship: you wanted to take, sometimes without giving anything in return. Therefore, when parting, you simply will not understand how to close all these gaps that have arisen after the break.

That is why it is so important to take an adult position and separate from a partner - on your own or with the help of a specialist. It may seem to you that because of the breakup, you will simply die. But it's not. In fact, you will definitely survive and after a while you will forget about this person. In your base, you can definitely live without it and eventually reach a new level. But only if you start working on your integrity right now.

The difficult experience of a breakup can also indicate that a woman lived the life of a partner. She literally dissolved into him, and a healthy distance disappeared in the relationship. Or there are couples who live through a counter-dependent relationship, where one plays the role of the victim and the other the aggressor.

In such relationships, quarrels and scandals often occur, but even such an alignment of things does not repel the victim . She cannot imagine life without an aggressor, or without her savior, which is essentially the same thing. It's just that the aggressor plays the role of a bad cop, and the savior plays a good one. In any case, this is an unhealthy situation, which ultimately leads to psychological trauma. Over time, they can only get worse.

Therefore, until you reach an adult position, you will continue to attract similar partners, and the scenarios will be repeated. The only way to deal with this is to start living whole, without clinging to other people. Only in this case will you enter the partnership from a position of equality. This is the most environmentally friendly option, which in any case will benefit you.

Signs it's time to leave

Sometimes leaving a relationship is easier than staying in it. Especially when there are prerequisites for this.

1. Internal expectation that everything will work out

He is about to finally go to work, stop drinking, stop insulting me, and so on. This endless waiting that starts to strain you is a wake-up call. This is the situation when you have already tried all the options, but nothing has changed. You don't have a plan anymore. All that remains is the expectation that everything will work out in your relationship. Looks like it's time to leave.

2. You don't feel happy as a couple.

Any relationship should be fun. Of course, difficulties happen in the family, but in your base you should experience happiness next to your man. If this does not happen, then it is time to leave.

3. You have to constantly sacrifice your desires.

Your priorities in the relationship are not realized, and you and your partner have completely different goals and values. In this case, you have to sacrifice yourself, which is fundamentally wrong. Sometimes, of course, you can make concessions, but if this is repeated regularly, then it's time to end.

4. You think over and over again about how your life will turn out outside of this relationship.

Perhaps at this moment you will have the thought “how to stop loving after breaking up” or “how to survive a divorce ”. This means only one thing - you are mentally ready to break your union.

5. Violence

If they raised a hand against you or humiliated you, called you names, you cannot put up with it. It doesn't matter what happens next, and how much a promising man you lose. It doesn't matter how sensitive you are to him. You need to leave for your own well-being.

6. You stopped growing and developing in this relationship.

If you stopped going into expansion, started to lower the bar, if you and your partner do not grow and develop together, then it is better for you to be separate. In our world it is impossible to live without development. If you want to successfully cope with all the trials, realize all the opportunities that the Universe gives, you need to constantly move forward. When next to you is a person who does not allow you to do this, “narrows” you, it is better to distance yourself from him.

7. You and your partner bring out the worst in each other.

We all have destructive traits. If next to a partner they appear in all their glory, then it is better to get out of such a relationship as soon as possible.

How to fall out of love with a loved one: advice from a psychologist

1. Forced to think about this relationship every day.

A non-standard solution to the question “how to stop loving an ex” sounds exactly like that. Of course, after a breakup, we try to avoid thinking about the past and escape from the problem. Thus, you drive her deeper into yourself, and then either kill her (and with her a part of yourself), or she begins to overtake you from time to time.

Therefore, depending on how long your relationship lasted, set a deadline for breaking it up. Usually it takes half the time than how long you were together. Take time each day to mourn this situation. As a rule, after 28 days you will already feel better.

2. Understand that no relationship will ever be your mission and purpose in life

You came into this world alone, and you will leave it alone. You have your own total inner goal, follow it. From childhood, they try to convince us that relationships are the main thing in life, but this is not so. The most important thing in your life is yourself.

You came into this world for your own development and happiness. And what happened in your life will surely give you a new impetus to development. It is important to get away from the social superstructures that are laid in us at the genetic level.

3. Find a hobby you love and make it a serious hobby

Maybe in life it will not be useful to you, and after a while you will abandon it, but here and now it will help you survive this difficult moment. When you decide to break up, you release a lot of energy. It must be used wisely so as not to go into a destructive.

4. Don't let yourself slide into an emotional hole.

You've already taken time for yourself to mourn the relationship. There is no need to plunge into this sadness in other gaps. Don't get into a victim state and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do not make an elephant out of a fly and  do not wind yourself up . Nothing critical has happened to you, you will definitely be able to survive this parting.

5. Don't get into a new relationship until you've worked through the psychological aspect of the breakup.

You will only get worse. You are already empty right now, so first get in harmony with yourself and solve the problems inside. If you're in an unstable emotional state right now, deal with it. “Dive” into a new romance immediately after a breakup is like trying to seal a surgical incision with a band-aid: it will not help.

6. Admit to yourself at this point that you are leaving forever.

That you will no longer decide anything, give a second chance or cling to the past. Tell yourself that the relationship is over. Realize that you don't need to spend any more time and energy on the past. You and your ex are on different paths, and as painful as it may be for you right now, let yourself go.

In six months, you will enter a new relationship with joy and relief.. When you realize that you have no future, it closes all your experiences forever. And even if you and a man are in the same space, the question “how to stop loving the person you see every day” will not stand before you. Because you let him go, and he let you go. Even if you get back together in the future, you will build relationships from scratch. You will have a completely different union.

7. Choose the position of a free man

This is someone who does not cling to other people. Which can give more because it is full. A free person does not dwell on what was in the past and does not think about the guarantees of the future. He enjoys the here and now and does not  put off his life for later . He understands that he creates everything in his life on his own and does not depend on others.

Therefore, it is easier for him to survive parting, because a free person always has himself. He will never lose himself. And don't lose yourself.Rejoice in the fact that unnecessary people leave your life.So you gain freedom and the opportunity to attract something more into your life.