Each of us has a past that cannot be put anywhere. And, it seems, in theory, we understand that we do not have to be the first with our partner. But how to accept the fact that he had a relationship, and deal with the resulting jealousy?

His ex-girlfriend: how to stop being jealous of her

What is jealousy

Before we talk about jealousy for your partner's past, let's figure out what this feeling is all about. Jealousy is a negatively colored feeling that arises against the background of a feeling of lack of attention and love from a partner with the suspicion that someone else is receiving them from him.

Jealousy is something that has nothing to do with reality, but only with how our brain interprets this reality. Where does jealousy come from ? It is based on deep childhood fears, traumatic experiences when the child faced pain, betrayal.

A negative bond is fixed inside, a person is subconsciously convinced that he should be the only one with a partner, the beloved does not seem to have the right to enjoy with someone else and on his own, otherwise it’s not true love, “I’m not into such love I believe."

Jealousy is associated with a feeling of being underestimated and a desire to be the best (“who is the cutest in the world?”). Against this background, if you are jealous of a partner for his past experience, then you may be afraid that they will compare you with the former not in your favor, be afraid that they will hurt and deceive you, consider that the partner had such an experience that you did not have , which means that his life before you was more vivid and interesting, to think that your man is unworthy of you, or, conversely, you are unworthy of him.

Also, a keen interest in the partner’s past relationships may be caused by the desire to transfer the information received to your relationship and understand how they will develop, try to calculate how the partner will behave, and somewhere “lay straws”, not make mistakes.

How to get rid of jealousy of the past: 8 tips from a psychologist

  1. First of all, accept your feelings: they exist, they are normal, they do not make you bad, but only highlight something in you. Then see what jealousy consists of? Finish the phrases: “I am angry that ...”, “I am offended that ...”, “I wish that ...”
  2. Step into your partner's shoes and see the situation through their eyes. And also remember that before this man you also had people whom you appreciated and loved. What is your relationship with them now? It may turn out that you still cannot forget your former passion and expect the same trick from your current half.
  3. You can talk to your partner about what worries you, but do not go over to accusations, use an “I-statement”, share feelings.
  4. Better than telling your partner about what hurts and is unpleasant, it will be to emphasize what brings you together. Talk about common interests, encourage common topics of conversation, have pleasant experiences together.
  5. Learn to hear and accept what your beloved says, learn to trust him - everything in life cannot be verified. What is more important to you - your relationship or fears, because of which you arrange interrogations with prejudice?
  6. Direct all the energy that you spend on jealousy into the development of relationships. If you lack love and attention, think about how long ago you showed them yourself? If you want your partner to invite you on a date or give something as a gift, do this action first.
  7. Emphasize what you like about your partner, in your relationship, tell him about it and thank him.
  8. Remember that you are valuable on your own, and if you don’t feel like that, then, first of all, it’s not about your partner, but about yourself - contact a specialist to solve this problem and finally start to appreciate and love myself.

The past should not interfere with the present

Your partner doesn't have to reveal everything about themselves, just like you do. It's part of your personal space. A mature relationship is not one where partners know everything about each other, but one where respect for personal boundaries and past experiences comes first.

If a partner too often talks about the pleasant moments of past relationships or compares and says that then it was better - this is already a violation of your boundaries, you have every right to explain how you feel at the same time and ask not to do so.

The past is the past, that it has already passed. The truth is that every person is free to do what they want. The past is experience. All potential is in the present and the future. It is important to remember and understand that the more you focus on the past, on negative experiences, on anxieties and fears, the less you are in the present and lose the opportunity, firstly, to enjoy it, and secondly, to manage it.