Yulia Vladis, a clinical psychologist, business mentor for women, analyzed the origins of unhealthy relationships and told how to get off the emotional swing.

Emotional swings in a relationship with a man: how to recognize and get rid of them

Love that was "sick"

Emotional swing is, in simple words, a game of “warm-cold”. It consists in the alternation of closeness and distance of one of the partners. With such manipulation , he or she can appeal to a loved one for years, luring, and then repelling him.

This strategy of behavior is typical for both men and women. Often it is used unconsciously, motivated by the fact that this is how sharpness appears in relationships. At the same time, a person may not understand that the “victim” suffers from his actions and becomes dependent on him. With every trick, every manipulation, she becomes more attached. That is why it is extremely difficult to get out of such relationships on your own.

How to understand the emotional swing - is it or not? Very simple.

Let's say you communicate with a person on a friendly note, but at some point you felt something more. You confessed your feelings to the object of love, and he turned on the “chamomile”: first he appears and bestows tenderness on you, and then disappears for several days without explanation or behaves aloof. Then everything repeats again.

Here we are clearly talking about manipulation: a tyrant (namely, this is how you can call a person who swings an emotional swing) likes to pull the victim by the strings. The victim, in turn, experiences incredible euphoria from rare encounters.

With each new manipulation, she falls in love more and more. Yes, these relationships bring her a lot of suffering, but they only set off the sweet moment of “love”. But is it love? If a man uses an emotional swing, then it is hardly possible to say that he treats you sincerely. Although it is quite possible that this is his normal strategy of behavior, and he simply does not know this.

How manipulation affects the victim

First of all, she develops auto-aggression . “A loved one disappeared without any explanation? So the problem is me! the victim begins to think. She tries to analyze her actions, blame herself for the toxic behavior of her partner. All this leads to the fact that at the moment of the next meeting with the tyrant, the victim will be ready for anything, if only he would no longer disappear. Personal boundaries, own desires and priorities - the victim forgets about all this. In contrast to separation, moments of intimacy become even more valuable for her. She literally melts in the arms of a tyrant, and he will definitely take advantage of this. In addition to disappearance, reproaches, accusations and even physical violence may be in his arsenal.

And what does the victim do in response? Of course, he starts blaming himself again. Thus, she gets more and more bogged down in a destructive union, falling into complete emotional dependence on a partner. Without a loved one, the white light becomes not nice to her: the victim lives from one fleeting flash of love to another.

Further - more: due to the inability to predict the further behavior of the tyrant, the victim may fall into an internal conflict. She begins to see the world as unpredictable. Every area of ​​her life is out of control.

The manipulations used by tyrants can greatly destabilize the psyche of the victim and significantly undermine her mental health. That is why you need to get out of such relationships as quickly as possible.

Who is more likely to get into a toxic relationship?

The tyrant knows exactly who to choose as a victim. Most often, they enter into relationships with insecure people who are in a deep worthlessness of themselves. Most likely, they have complexes regarding their appearance, and they simply do not believe their happiness that "such a man" paid attention to them. They tend to embellish a partner and build him not a pedestal.

And the tyrant knows how to bind the victim to himself more strongly. Therefore, at the beginning of the relationship, he envelops her with attention and love, which she did not feel from anyone before. Gifts, beautiful courtship, flowers are used - everything that conquers anyone. She dutifully swallows the hook, and the game begins.

Relationship manipulation techniques

During the emotional swing, the tyrant can use several proven tricks. Their main goal is to evoke  polar feelings in the victim - from insane happiness to unbearable mental pain.

1. Mythical hopes

The tyrant inspires the victim that together they will be happy with the help of hints. It does not seem to be a promise, so bribes are smooth from him. At the same time, the second partner is in full confidence that everything is fine with them. For example, tyrants often ask explicit questions like "Would you marry me?" or “Would you like a boy or a girl first?” There is no question of any obligations, and the victim guesses between the lines of recognition of eternal love.

2. Humiliation

The tyrant often reminds the victim that they are not perfect. And if at the beginning of the relationship he says this carefully, with half hints, then, “playing out”, he can say the following: “But who, besides me, will look at you ?!”

3. Fear of parting

The tyrant tries to instill in his partner the fear of being left without him, because he is the “only chance” for happiness.

4. Wine

The manipulator can try on the role of the victim so that the partner feels guilty in their quarrel, for example.

Causes of emotional buildup in love

In most cases, a person starts an emotional swing unconsciously. Despite this, there are reasons for such behavior that come from the level of the unconscious:

  • narcissism . Loving yourself is very important, but you can't turn it into a cult. Narcissists go to that extreme. They are warmed by the thought that for a partner they become the meaning of life. Their vanity exults from such relationships, and deep down they really value them: who else will allow them to amuse their ego like that ?!
  • attempt to remake a partner. Many people live in the firm belief that it is possible to change a loved one. In an attempt to pull off this business, they can set off an emotional swing. Alternating between a stick and a carrot, they bend the partner, make him supple and weak-willed. And then they mold whatever they want out of it.
  • lack of adrenaline . Tyrants and manipulators like to play "hot-cold": it "tickles" their feelings, and they do not even think about the suffering of a partner.

There are also cases when a person intentionally launches an emotional swing in an attempt to assert himself. This technique is promoted at pickup courses, where the main goal of communication with the opposite sex is to eat.

How to get rid of emotional swings

If, after analyzing your relationship, you suddenly realized that you are a victim of love manipulation, it's time to work on your own liberation. Here the answer to the question "how to deal with emotional swings" will be a simple "get off them."

Do not entertain yourself with the illusion that the tyrant will change his behavior and stop bullying you. Although the probability remains, but this can happen only after a strong shock. But there are no guarantees that after the restoration of the emotional background, he will not take up the old again.

It can be extremely difficult for a victim who has been “rocking” in the boat of “love” for a long time to get out on his own. Therefore, the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist will obviously not be superfluous. If you managed to escape from the tenacious paws of the manipulator, in no case do not let him take possession of you again. He may try to cloud your guard with acts of chivalry. Don't trust him: it's just a new hook that will start the emotional swing again.

In order not to get caught again, try to distance yourself from the manipulator for a while, and preferably forever. Further, it is extremely important to work in parallel with your own self-esteem . Start building your confidence. Surround yourself with people who admire you.

Practice affirmations and practices for loving your body. If there is something that you can fix and become more confident from it, be sure to do it. For example, sign up for a gym and get the figure of your dreams. Or finally buy yourself those very red shoes in which you will feel at 100.

And most importantly, remember: you were created for love, not suffering. Tell yourself about it more often, and no manipulations will be terrible for you.