Some women do not notice that they are raising their husband and thereby endanger their union. What mistakes should be avoided in order not to turn into a “mommy” for your partner, says coach Elena Oboznaya.
Let's start talking about women... with dancing! Ballroom dance teachers often run into trouble when girls try to lead their partner. With this action, they destroy the whole philosophy of dance: where he leads, and she follows.
It is difficult to retrain such ladies, since this problem is more of a psychological nature. In society, such women are often called simply - "mommies."
The main mistakes that turn you into a "mommy" for your husband.
1. Trying to control your partner in everything
It is impossible to build harmonious relationships if you constantly keep everything under control. You check his phone while he sleeps. You call him 10 times a day and ask: “How are you?” Set geolocation to track his path. This need is directly related to the loss of trust. And trust is about a sense of security, which is based on honesty.
In such cases, I recommend switching attention from others to contact with yourself: connect your desires with the body. To establish this connection, you need to work with bodily practices - massage , dancing, sports and the like, where you can feel your body.
Women often come to me who have lost the “same” contact: they control their partner, solve the problems of their girlfriends, live the life of their children. This is where coaching comes in handy: we start with a wishlist where we go into detail about what they really want.
2. Giving him advice without asking
Even if a woman pursues a good goal in her advice, a man still reacts to him irritably. At these moments, it seems to him that they are sorry for him, they are trying to save him, thereby putting him in a position from below. A man is a leader by nature, he needs space for independent decisions.
Yes, he may have difficulties at work, and he may complain to you. But you don't have to take matters into your own hands. This mother solves difficult problems for her children and goes to deal with hooligans. And a grown man needs your faith in him and a little support. Your advice may be valuable and helpful, but wait until you are asked for it.
3. You think you're in charge
First, you take upon yourself the solution of all problems and the construction of plans, then you allow yourself to speak with him in a raised voice, interrupt and hang up during a conversation. If a man is adequate, he will remain silent at first, but he will definitely use all the accumulated emotions later.
The point is not vindictiveness, but the fact that “containing” is characteristic of a person. It is the ability to control oneself without destroying the personality because of one's own experiences. But it is impossible to endlessly accumulate all the negative states in oneself. Sooner or later, there is a release of energy, and the man begins to return everything with a boomerang. As a rule, the result is this: there is more one single woman in the world.
4. Reproach him with finances
Today, you will not surprise anyone with the news that a woman earns more than her partner. But if female solvency becomes another reason for reproaches like: “Why can I make money, but you can’t”, “I buy everything myself, why do I need you”, then this indicates an unhealthy relationship.
You reproach, and reproach is a form of interpersonal aggression. You must understand that financial collapse is already stressful for a man. Again, remember to connect with yourself. If it is important for you that he earns and manifests himself, then you will have to minimize your ardor in your career and find time for everyday life.
There cannot be two equal leaders in a family, because, in addition to earning money, there are other needs. It will be easier for everyone if both partners honestly agree on their desires. In my practice, there were couples where it was more comfortable for the partner to sit with the children and do household chores. These are also self-confident and conscious men.
In such couples, people hear each other and live as they feel comfortable, and not as required by society. If you think about it, why is a woman successful in such an alliance? Because at home she feels as safe as possible - her husband covers all basic needs, and she has the opportunity to safely earn big money for herself and her family.
5. Connect manipulations
“I told you”, “You can’t do anything without me.” Familiar phrases? Manipulation is a hidden influence on a person's emotions in order to cause the desired behavior. It is based on the feeling of fear.
Manipulative behavior creates inequality and suggests that the feelings of a loved one are not important to you.. There is no honesty and open communication in such relationships. Yes, sometimes you get your way, but it won't always be that way.
We return to the husband a wise wife
Once you realize that you are playing the wrong role in a relationship, there is a chance to fix everything. These tips will help you gradually regain yourself. You will be surprised how much time you have freed up. So:
1. We realize the reason for our behavior
Why is this happening? What hidden benefits do you get from this role? Focus on the good. Remember why you fell in love with this man?
2. We reduce the bar of exactingness
Ideal people do not exist. Do not criticize your husband if he did something wrong. What terrible thing will happen if he buys milk that expires tomorrow?
3. We disclaim responsibility
You can start with one magic phrase: "You are a man, you decide." Allow him to fulfill his manly duties - to be responsible for his family.
4. Thank you for your help
What both partners do for the relationship is constant work. But voluntary! Do you think it's special if he cooked dinner? And for him, this is a whole victory over himself. Therefore, try to notice such little things. Just tell him, "Thank you for your concern." Such gratitude is enough to make a person feel their importance.
5. We are engaged in our self-development
Fulfill your dreams and spend time for yourself: dancing, yoga, drawing, sports, new learning. Learn to enjoy life and become a partner for your beloved, not a controller. These are the basic tips to help you get back into the right role. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, but not everyone stops in time.
Of course, each pair needs its own approach. But there is one “key” that will suit absolutely everyone - happy relationships are built on an agreement. Start talking, hear a friend, and you will definitely succeed.
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