You are here, he is there, and there are hundreds or even thousands of kilometers between you. How to maintain love when you are not around and does it make sense? Let's talk about this with psychologist Elena Masolova.
Online has become a part of our life: education, work, psychotherapy have a remote format.You will not surprise anyone with remote relationships either.If we take the success of feelings at a distance, say four years ago, it was less real than it is now. Then live communication was a priority, but the situation has changed.
To go for coffee, it is not necessary to meet in a single space; you can chat via video link while in different countries. There are benefits to this kind of communication. For example, do not waste time on the road. And if you are separated by thousands of kilometers, then meeting in a different format is not at all realistic.
Distant relationships began to gain popularity a few years ago. This began with the events of 2020, when during the coronavirus epidemic, many people found themselves in self-isolation. And in recent months, a huge number of men have gone abroad. However, it is difficult to judge whether the relationships of people living at a distance have real chances. Let's talk about it.
Everything starts from afar
More than half of modern relationships begin on dating sites . The first interaction of a couple often takes place virtually, even if the partners live in neighboring houses. At the same time, it is important not to harbor illusions.
You can recognize each other from a distance if you do not deceive each other. Live first dates usually take place in public places. At the same time, a man and a woman share common interests, talk about themselves. All this can also be done in the mode of correspondence or calls (audio or video).
In order not to lose interest at the first stage of remote dating, it is important to constantly maintain communication. The lack of personal contact makes it possible to share only spiritual and social values, but with sympathy on a physical level, everything is much more complicated. Be prepared for the fact that in a personal meeting you may not like your partner. Still, instincts and sexual desire are often the decisive factor.
avoidant attachment
Relationships in a couple are not easy to maintain, even if people are nearby. This is due to the type of emotional attachment - avoidant. It is formed in a person in early childhood, in his contact with his mother or other significant adult. Such type of attachment can be one of the ways to keep a relationship at a distance.
Often, avoidant attachment prevents a person from staying in a relationship for long. He withdraws as soon as the other person becomes too important. This is because the anxiety starts to rise. It grows to the point where it's easier to run away from a relationship than it is to stay in one.
Distance becomes salvation. You can save relationships if you distance yourself, that is, transfer them to a remote format. Being most of the time at a distance from each other, a man or woman feels calm. This allows them to withstand the nascent emotional connection.
If you delve into the cause of the occurrence of avoidant attachment, then the problem is not at all in the current companion. The problem is in the personal painful experience of a person who stretches from early childhood: when parents reject a child, do not respond to his needs, do not support emotionally in any way or are too overzealous with prohibitive forms of education.
In addition, this experience is reinforced in later life, for example, by the betrayal of a close friend or an unsuccessful first love.
How does a partner with an avoidant type of attachment behave, and is a long-distance relationship possible? Interacting remotely with rare meetings, the partner will gradually let you into his territory. Fear will not go off scale and you can still build a strong and long relationship. Understanding this background, avoiding claims about rare personal communication, you are laying the foundation for the future.
About channels of interaction with the environment
To understand how to conduct relationships at a distance, look at which channel of interaction is leading for you and a man. We will now consider their main types.
Visual
This is a channel in which a person perceives the world and interacts with it through visual contact of perception. A feature of people who perceive information better through this channel is that they are receptive to visible objects. They appreciate the beauty in the surrounding space, like to dream and fantasize.
For them, visual contact is very important, when hearing and vision are a single whole, so the main way to interact with such people is video communication. If a visual partner listens to your voice, for example in voice messages, then he will not feel full contact. This way of approaching and maintaining relationships is not suitable for him.
If you dream together, for example, about your joint vacation, this will bring you closer. As well as video calls, dreams of a joint vacation, beautiful photos and so on.
auditory
For a person for whom such a channel is the leading one, the basis of your interaction will be voice messages or telephone conversations. There can be many of them, and this is the way how to maintain relationships at a distance . It gives a feeling of constant connection, even if you are far away from each other.
The auditory is sensitive and receptive to conversations, use this as an opportunity to make an emotional connection. He also has a sharp ear and a good memory, especially auditory. You can send your loved one the music that you listened to together, and he will associate it with pleasant joint moments.
kinesthetic
For a partner with this channel for receiving information, movements and body contact are important. For the kinesthetic, touch has the deepest meaning and great value. Their bodily and emotional sensations are closely intertwined. And for kinesthetic people, it will be most difficult to maintain relationships at a distance, because these are the partners for whom it is important to touch you all the time and do something together.
That's why, if it so happened that your partner is kinesthetic, then you should come up with joint business via video link, for example, cook dinner - you are at home, he is at home - and have dinner together via video link. Communication in a relationship with a man at a distance will support deep discussions, communication with emotional exchange, discussion of what others feel.
Also a good support would be a gift of a soft blanket, which you can wrap yourself in if you want warmth from you. You can give him a warm and comfortable sweater, because such a man loves bodily comfort, and uncomfortable clothes unsettle him.
Smells are also very important for the kinesthetic learner. Give your partner your fragrance, and he will be associated with you. Inhaling this smell, a person will have a feeling of closeness with you.
It should be remembered that people of a pure type do not exist. But there is a leading type of interaction with a partner. And if, living far from each other, you alternate all the ways of interaction, then you will definitely be able to maintain relationships at a distance for a long time.
Distance is no barrier to true feelings
Of course, relationships at a distance of a year or longer are not easy, but they are possible. And in order to stay in them, it is important to realize that a person who is many hundreds or thousands of kilometers away from you is really dear to you, that relationships with him are more important than the ability to constantly be there. But there are a number of dangerous triggers.
If personal relationships don't satisfy or bring you joy, then the opportunity to leave can create the illusion that things aren't so bad. And then you will fall into the trap, because you are just wasting time. While you are away, everything will be calm, but as soon as you get back together, everything will return to normal.
This should be understood, as well as the fact that temporary residence at a distance will not solve the problem, but only postpone it. And to truly solve a problem, you need to work together.
A very important point in long-distance relationships is the end of such communication. You must understand how long you will be at a distance with a partner. Otherwise, this fact will introduce a negative background into your communication. This is the anxiety that arises from the unknown, uncertainty, because everyone wants to be sure of their soul mate.
And if you do not know at least an approximate date for the end of your separation, both of you will be constantly in a state of stress. This can affect both interaction with a partner and life in general. Speak with your partner at least an approximate period of residence at a distance. A clear date will give inner peace and the ability to accept the situation, even if you really want to be there.
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