We all make mistakes from time to time and we need to be able to admit it. The psychologist Yulia Sinyutina told about the secret of the right apology.
How to Apologize to Get Forgiveness
We use the word " forgiveness " so often in everyday life that we no longer catch its true meaning. Let's see how Wikipedia explains this word: "Forgiveness is the renunciation of personal resentment, unkind feelings towards the guilty person, as well as the renunciation of revenge or demands for retribution and compensation for the losses and suffering suffered." What is the most important thing in this definition?
The key is to let go of personal hurt and bad feelings. That is, the meaning of forgiveness is not in the utterance of the words “I forgive you” by the person whom you offended, and even more so not in the fact that you apologized out loud. Forgiveness comes when your counterpart gives up resentment and unkind feelings towards you.
In order for a person to forgive, the apology must first of all be sincere. But with this, many people usually have big problems. In order to be forgiven, you first really need to deeply realize your guilt and repent, no matter how grandiloquent it may sound.
As long as you continue to seethe and believe that the other person is wrong, it is useless to ask for forgiveness from him. But agree that's what we usually do - just say something without actually feeling it.
Again, all from childhood
Where does such insincerity come from? Where are her roots? According to psychologists, everything comes from childhood. Let's remember how your parents acted when they were unhappy with you. Most likely, they first scolded, and then demanded that you ask for forgiveness, apologize.
Were they interested in you actually realizing what you did wrong? As practice shows, most often not. What did your parents want from you? Most likely, you just said out loud: “Excuse me, I won’t do it again.” And you dutifully repeated this phrase, which from time to time turned into an on-duty tongue twister, losing its original meaning.
Only a few parents, instead of empty apologies, have conversations with their children so that the child has a deep awareness of the wrong act. This pernicious, although very common parental practice in the future begins to play a cruel joke with many people.
As a result you learn to apologize easily without feeling or experiencing anything at all, and without even folding your fingers with a cross behind your back, realizing that you are lying. This means that spoken words remain only words. You do not leave the person offended by you a single chance to sincerely forgive you, that is, "to give up resentment and unkind feelings."
Saying empty words “well, I'm sorry!”, You get used to expecting the same empty words in response: “Okay, I forgive you.” It seems that the conflict is formally closed, but in reality nothing of the kind is happening. Imagine that a wall with a crack is covered with paint without repairing the crack itself.
As a result, after some time, when a new unpleasant situation arises, old grievances will come up with a double or tripled force. Our task with you is to learn to ask for forgiveness sincerely in order to completely nullify conflicts, and not cover them up like a wall with beautiful words, pretending that everything is fine.
Who do we fight with the most?
According to statistics, most often girls quarrel with their boyfriend or husband. There’s no getting around here - naturally, in all your troubles, he is “guilty” in the first place, if only because he is always at hand.
Do you remember Krylov's fable about the wolf and the lamb? In it, the wolf all the time tried to "get to the bottom" of the lamb, coming up with various reasons. And everything ended in the fable with what, perhaps, often ends with you. The wolf stopped looking for arguments, spat and blurted out: "... It's your fault that I want to eat." - He said and dragged the Lamb into the dark forest.
Did you have situations when he was only to blame for the fact that at an unnecessary moment, when life turned to you as a fifth point, he turned out to be nearby, and even at the same time “blathered something at the wrong time”, even more getting on your nerves? Were?! And what did you do in such situations?
Set all the dogs on him? But, you see, in such situations, your “lamb” was clearly not to blame. But I received from you in full. Most likely, then you exhaled a little, came to your senses and noticed him when he stood somewhere in the corner of the room, stunned (if not rude) from your injustice.
And what did you do next? Well, most often there are two working options. First: you continued to play out your bad “drama”, where he is a goat, and you are Princess Turandot. Second: you realized that you really messed up, lowered your eyes to the floor and barely audibly muttered something like: “Well, I'm sorry ... But you yourself ...”
Then, most likely, you added any garbage so as not to make a complete fool of yourself and at least slightly shift your blame onto him. Where is the real remorse? Right! They don't smell here! Some girls (of course, not you), after their obvious jamb, still manage to literally shake out of their boyfriend / man / husband a confession that it is he who is more to blame, and he “forgives her and is not offended at all”.
And one of the girls comes to the point that he demands a gift from him as a sign of reconciliation. If objectively and honestly - the height of cynicism! Especially when you consider that she herself did not experience anything like sincere repentance.
How to apologize to your loved one
If you are wondering “How to apologize to a guy / man / husband?”, Remember - you should always start with a sincere and deep awareness of your guilt ! messed up? Find the strength to admit it, at least to yourself.
Do not come up with any excuses that begin with the words “But he, too ...” Of course, he may not be perfect for you - well, she chose this one herself! But admit that in this particular situation only you were to blame, not him.
Without this awareness, opening your mouth and mumbling all sorts of apologies is extremely hypocritical and unworthy of you. Do you want to learn how to sincerely apologize? Close your eyes and admit to yourself that you screwed up. For now, don't say anything out loud.
Feel, realize and internally say what exactly your fault is, how exactly you regret what happened and how sincerely you want to be forgiven. Do it silently, within yourself. And then open your eyes, look at him and say: “Forgive me, please!”
It is possible that these three simple words will be enough to make him feel that you are actually remorseful and sorry. Why come up with complex schemes, how exactly to apologize to a person? Like this! That's it!
First, acknowledge your guilt, then mentally and very sincerely say your apologies, and then, looking the person straight in the eye, say the simple three words “forgive me, please.” If you have the strength to repeat out loud all that big text that you just said to yourself, do it. If you don't have enough energy for that, it's not a problem either. Believe me, if you sincerely say the three magic words, he will feel everything.
The boyfriend/man/husband has been dealt with. But there are other close people who periodically fly from you. For example, mom. According to statistics, it is the mother for most girls who is “number two” on the list of eternally guilty. Starting from reproaches “she didn’t raise me like that”, to “what ... she always climbs with her reproaches / advice / claims ?!”
Sometimes your reproaches against your mother are quite justified. Just think about it: she, too, was once brought up, and it’s not a fact that it’s perfect. And then she raised you - as she could, as she understood, as she knew how. Hand on heart, mom worries about you all her life, although sometimes in a very exotic and even, perhaps, aggressive form. Well, that's why she's a mother!
But are you always fair to her? Don't you break down on her sometimes without any objective reason? Do you accuse her of what she is not guilty of ? Something tells me you're doing it. Maybe not always. Maybe not often. Maybe very rarely. But you do! What's next? And then comes the very moment when you need to ask for forgiveness. Are you asking him?
How to ask your mom for forgiveness
Yes, just like your loved one. First admit your guilt. Realize sincerely. Then close your eyes and start asking for forgiveness. Say whatever you really think - no one but yourself and, perhaps, your good angels will not hear you anyway. And then open your eyes, come up to your mother and whisper: “Mom, please forgive me.” Can you take your mother's hands in yours? - Take it. Can you hug mom? - Hug. Can you kiss her? - Kiss. Can you tell her how much you love her? - Tell.
If you can't do any of that, just stand there and look your mom in the eyes. Just before that, do not forget to ask her forgiveness aloud. If you do this sincerely, your mother will feel and understand everything anyway - she gave birth to you.
Finally
So, how to ask for forgiveness from a loved one, we sorted it out; how to ask for forgiveness from mom - too. But besides them, you are surrounded by a large number of other people: friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, even bystanders. You can offend all of them at some point: someone by accident, and someone quite consciously.
How to apologize if you did it and offended someone a lot? How to ask for forgiveness to be forgiven? After all, it is not always possible to close your eyes, feel guilty, sincerely apologise to yourself, and then say out loud the three magic words “forgive me, please!”
If you don’t have enough time for all these most positive and correct actions, say a phrase not of three, but of six words: “Forgive me, please! I'm sorry!" I beg you, the moment you say them, feel that you are truly sorry.
Then, at first glance, an empty, on-duty phrase will become a magic key to resolving any conflict. I sincerely wish you to avoid conflicts as much as possible, ideally not to enter into them at all. But if they suddenly catch up with you, remember all the recommendations that we talked about today, and act.
May good luck accompany you in all matters!
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