How to teach a child to defend their boundaries: an understandable "checklist" for parents (only 4 rules!)

 We tell you how to grow a person who can adequately convey his position (spoiler: moms and dads will first of all have to work on themselves).

More recently, we wrote about why children under the age of 4 should not be bullied and shamed when they do not want to share their toys. You can read more about this in the article: “ There is something to be proud of: how to teach a child to appreciate his work (or why you can brag) ”. 

In short, the key point was the desire and ability of the child to show that this is his personal thing. The kid, being greedy, learns to defend his boundaries. And this is a very useful skill for all his future social interactions. 

In this article, we decided to talk a little more about what other methods exist for teaching a child to draw a line between his own and someone else's, because the option “just not share with anyone” works only at an early age. 

The older the child gets, the more parents should give him the so-called levers to control his emotions (in accordance with age, of course). 

So, here we have such a small “checklist” for parents:

1. Personal example

This item literally lay on the surface, because a child is a “sponge” that absorbs everything that it sees around. The strongest influence on the child's behavior is exerted by habits, manner of communication and how mom and dad behave in society.

If a child constantly witnesses how one of the parents is rude to people around or, on the contrary, constantly sacrifices his interests, then you should not think that the baby will draw any conclusions and understand that he will definitely not behave like that . 

So it doesn't work. With a probability of 99.99%, your son or daughter will begin to mirror this model. Therefore, if parents have problems with boundaries (our own or violation of others), then we must first take care of ourselves. As soon as they become an adequate example for the child, many situations will begin to be resolved automatically.

2. Competent resolution of conflicts with the child

Situations when a child does not obey - does not want to get dressed, put away toys and much more - happen every day several times. We understand that it is difficult to always remain a wise parent and choose the right words when communicating with a screaming and kicking child, but you need to try your best not to start hysteria and freak out. 

A drop, as you know, sharpens a stone, so over time, if mom and dad track their reactions, the baby will somehow understand that discontent and any other emotion can and should be expressed calmly and intelligibly.

3. Support the child when he experiences negative emotions.

Mom and dad should never ignore the negative emotions of the child, and even more so, show with their whole appearance that grief, fear and anger are something shameful and abnormal. 

On the contrary, noticing that the baby is in one of these states, you need to support him - talk, find out how he feels, say that you understand him, always be there and accept him.

4. Training

This point is a logical continuation of the previous one. After a sincere conversation with a child who has experienced some kind of negative state, gently and unobtrusively discuss with him the rules of interaction in society using some real or fictional situations as an example. Ideally, if parents share their experience and become a mentor to their child.

The child must understand that it is possible to protect his toys or things not only through aggression or, conversely, it is not necessary to put up with attacks in his direction. 

The mission of parents, in particular, is to show and tell children what options for getting out of certain situations exist, because the world is not divided only into white and black, there are many more halftones, using which you can achieve what you want much faster.