Get it done before you grow up: how to fix the mistakes of raising a child

 Candidate of Psychological Sciences Valery Gut spoke about the most common mistakes in raising children and how to correct them before it's too late.

Get it done before you grow up: how to fix the mistakes of raising a child

Scientists have proven that the atmosphere in the family directly affects the psyche and the future life of the child. Ideal parents do not exist, but the consequences of mistakes in education can be extremely annoying.


Growing up, children may feel unloved and unhappy, face the problem of starting a family or achieving career success. Patterns of behavior, views on the world, perception of oneself and others, which the child will use in the future, are laid down in infancy.


From the first years of a child's life, their unconscious life scenarios, attitudes, experiences and patterns of grandparents and other ancestors are transmitted to him through his parents. This was proved by the Swiss psychologist Leopold Szondi, the author of the term "generic unconscious".


The human brain "records" all the information that it encounters throughout life. A person may not remember some situations, especially if they traumatized him. But in the subconscious, the pain from what happened will remain forever. In psychology, there is even an idea that evil is stronger than good. In other words -negative events are more memorable than positive ones.


There is nothing stronger than the influence of the family. The family has a much greater impact on the child than his classmates, friends and teachers. The behavior of parents towards other people is a clear example to follow. And the way they interact with the child, forms his perception of himself as a person.


Here are some common parenting mistakes that negatively affect a child's life.


1. Negative assessment of the child's personality

The words that children hear from loved ones about themselves are assimilated as truths. If you constantly tell the child that he is stupid, clumsy, and in general “where do your hands grow from ?!”, the child will correspond to such characteristics.

It is especially not recommended to do this when the child has “brought you down” or done something bad - this has a rough effect on his psyche. In the future, such upbringing is fraught with low self-esteem, lack of personal responsibility and problems with self-realization.

2. Ignoring his needs

In the first years of life, the child understands that in order for an adult to come and satisfy his needs, you need to scream. So he not only draws attention to himself, but also tries to establish close contact with people through touch.

At the same level, children develop the ability (or lack of it) to seek help. And if they are not given what they desperately want, ignored, or neglected, they are more likely to view the world around them as dangerous.

Scientists say that if the baby does not get what he wants in time, he feels abandoned, lonely, defenseless. This forms his basic distrust of the world. Subsequently, much of the child during his life will be given more difficult than peers.

3. Removal of the father from education

Often mothers, unconsciously manipulating a man, remove him from communication with the baby. Then the father does not understand his role in upbringing, and warm relations and an emotional connection are not formed between him and the child. This is fraught with the fact that a man begins to apply the methods of education inherited from previous generations. Namely: authoritarian behavior, corporal punishment.

Psychologist Ilyin argued that children who had a bad relationship with their father constantly doubt themselves, face problems of sexual self-identification, and a lack of meaning in life. If you do not restore the connection between the child and the father, then the relationship will worsen over time.

4. Instilling gender stereotypes

Often parents expect their child to conform to their ideas about his gender. So, in their opinion, boys should not cry and wear pink clothes, and girls should not go to boxing and dream of a brilliant career. Hence the gender pay gap, as well as the small number of women compared to men who hold leadership positions in companies.

If parents show the child two different behaviors that are in contact with each other, he develops a harmonious idea of ​​the world and himself. Mom can be the breadwinner in the family, and dad can do household chores, and vice versa.

Then the child will be psychologically stable, knowing that there are no "I must ..." inherent in his gender. He will learn to respect the personal space of others and will not make unreasonably high demands of behavior towards them.

How to avoid mistakes

Mother's behavior is very important for family relations. If you want to raise a mentally stable, independent, flexible person, it is important to follow the recommendations below and remember that there are no ideal parents. But you can make an effort to create an atmosphere of love, acceptance and understanding in your home.

1. Remember the Indian proverb “A child is a guest in your home. Warm, feed, teach, let go"
Your child is always a self-sufficient, separate person with his own character, desires, needs and views. If you give him the freedom to choose whether to go to his grandmother's dacha, greet an unfamiliar aunt, eat porridge for breakfast, he will learn to make decisions, take responsibility for his actions and grow up as a whole person.

2. Educate yourself
If the mother and father behave aggressively towards each other, the baby is more likely to assign the same behavior to himself. Do not lecture your child about what is "good" and what is "bad."

Show by personal example how to be a happy, emotionally stable, harmonious person. It is your behavior, not words, that is the decisive factor.

3. Show love and care
A mother's love is essential for the full development of a child. If it was not received, the person will feel the need for love for the rest of his life. Unloved children often try to earn warm feelings and care from other people, but at the same time feel unworthy of it. They not only cannot build a happy union in the future, but they also miss profitable opportunities, feel at an impasse, give up.

Of course, a child, having matured, can face life's difficulties and go to a psychologist. Let him discuss in the office of a specialist how to make his life better, instead of correcting the consequences of the mistakes of his parents for years.

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