Compromise in quarrels: is it always needed (and 5 steps to correct dispute resolution)

 The ability to negotiate is rightfully considered an important component of the success of any communication. Long-term relationships cannot exist without compromise, if only because there are no two people with the same opinions on all issues. However, is the compromise really that good?

Compromise in quarrels: is it always needed (and 5 steps to correct dispute resolution)

Contrary to popular belief, a compromise does not represent a win for both sides; it is, on the contrary, mutual concessions.Everyone gives up their desires or agrees to something undesirable in response to the same actions on the part of the other. It is, rather, a failure, so it is impossible to talk about the magical power of compromise in a relationship. The most reasonable use of compromise is in the legal field, where it was first used since the time of Cicero.

It is possible to abandon one's aspirations, yield or do something undesirable only in those issues that are not considered important or fundamental. For example, the choice of a movie for the evening, the direction of a weekend trip, a dish for dinner, with whose friends to spend the New Year's holidays, what breed of dog to get.

In matters related to a person's values ​​and beliefs, compromise is not only undesirable, but also dangerous. If one partner wants children, and the other does not, if one of the partners wants to move to another country for permanent residence, and the other cannot imagine life without friends and family, if one does things that are unacceptable for the other during intimacy, in all these cases, a concession will lead to disastrous consequences. The one who yielded will feel unhappy and will make the other unhappy. No matter what your loved one promised you in return, this is not enough to balance the scales, you will feel like a victim.

What to do? - you ask, - is it really possible to destroy the alliance with a loved one? At the moment when your partner forced you to agree to actions that are unacceptable for you, your union has already been destroyed. Of course, by agreeing, you will still live together for a while, but is it necessary to postpone the end? Practice shows that such a concession will be followed by a second and then a third request. Once you allow another to break through your boundaries, you risk being left without boundaries at all .

If it’s not about intimate, here are some tips to help you come to an agreement more easily.


1. Give in one by one

He loves action movies, and you love comedies? Agree that you watch your film once a week and his film once a week.


2. Dialogue with yourself

He wants to go to the mountains, but you don't like such trips? Do not give an answer right away, analyze it, is the proposal really so bad?Is it possible that personal fears are hindering you from reaching an agreement on this issue? Find out for yourself what you have against the mountains. Self-talk can be interesting. Look for the upsides on this trip, it might not turn out to be such a bad idea on reconsideration.


3. Yes, but with a condition

He wants you to spend the weekend with his family , and do you have hair stirring from the memory of them? Speak your position softly and offer an option where you go with him, but he will spend all the time with your relatives, and you will occasionally join them, focusing on visiting the sights on your own.


4. Convince me

When we want one thing and our partner wants another, we are so focused on the negative that we don't even hear what we might like. Ask your partner to convince you.This approach will give you the opportunity to look at the situation through his eyes.


5. SWOT analysis

This is a strategic planning method that can be used when it comes to a solution for years to come. Your partner wants to take out a mortgage, and you are against. Divide the paper into four parts and write down strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. The strengths can be written down the presence of living space in 20 years, the absence of a landlady, the ability to create an environment at your discretion, in the weak - savings on other aspects of your life. What opportunities does buying an apartment on credit offer you, and what can be the danger? Try to fill in the four boxes as honestly as possible, and make a decision together.

When discussing a controversial issue, adhere to simple communication rules.

1. Look from the position not "I am right / right", but from the position "I wonder what is better?"

Don't cling to your righteousness. Ultimately we see what experience allows us. Perhaps your partner's experience is completely different, and after listening, you will see something that you did not even know about.

2. Listen actively

This method always works. After listening to the other side's arguments, summarize to make sure you get it right and to show that you are listening carefully. "Did I understand correctly that ...?"

Paraphrase what you have heard in your own words, this will give an opportunity to both hear and show interest. "So you mean ..."

Get involved in the conversation as much as possible with gestures, facial expressions, nod during the conversation, maintain eye contact, do not turn away, do not be silent, do not move away.

3. Control your emotions

If your patience runs out and you start to get angry, speak up your feelings and ask to end the discussion for today. “I am very upset because we cannot agree. Let's continue tomorrow, I can't discuss it anymore today. "

Express your emotions . "I'm afraid that ..." "I'm worried that .."

4. Don't try to negotiate here and now

Sometimes it takes time to reach a compromise, take your time, arrange the next conversation. "Let's get back to this conversation in a week."

5. Remember the main thing

In the process of reaching an agreement, the emotional degree can go off scale. If you are overcome by emotions, remember the main thing: you are trying to negotiate with a close, dear person, the main thing is not rightness, but the relationship itself.

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