Over the past few years, the term "abuse" has become actively used, habitual and generally characterizing men of a certain type. But although, according to statistics, women are more likely to suffer from emotional abuse, it also happens the other way around. 

15 signs you are the abuser in a relationship (and what to do next)


How female abuse manifests itself

At the very beginning, everything was perfect with your partner. : constantly together, surprises, gifts, walks and travel. But as the relationship developed, you increasingly began to show discontent, anger, irritation and aggression against him, which, like a match, can flare up in one second.

You just had a great mood but something happens, and a flurry of indignation begins to overwhelm , and you can no longer contain it, as before. Claims on your part only accumulate, and you are no longer able to control and keep yourself within the framework when you try to convey them to your partner.

The man himself, at the same time, feels and demonstrates psychological breakdown and as if to spite you, "mows" even more ... As a result of your endless stream of dissatisfaction, he often wants to end the relationship at all, and because of the threat of a breakup, you are overtaken by tantrums, pleas not to leave one, vows to fix everything and promises that this will never happen again. And then everything in a circle. Sound familiar?

Signs of psychological abuse (first phase)

Let's figure out what's really going on with your couple. And let's start with the typical signs of psychological abuse, which we will designate as the first phase. Admit it honestly if the following statements are close to you:

  1. Constantly crave confessions that you are together ... Requests and even demands to post on the social network a post of the two of you against the background of a beautiful sunset, video stories of sharing, various posing, where you and he look like a couple carried away by each other. In other words, you want to show everyone: look - this man is busy!
  2. Do you want to be ALWAYS together ... You strive to wake up together, go to work, come back, cook, choose clothes, watch a movie, organize leisure activities, and everything else. Thus, with your light hand, the isolation of the side of your partner's personal life, independent of you, is carried out, because it is easier and calmer to control his behavior.
  3. Do you like to arrange "surprises" appearing unexpectedly when he does not expect it at all. The man relaxes with his friends. Or went on a business trip. “Why not please him? And at the same time see the reaction? " - you think. This is a manifestation of a sense of power and control, but in the beautiful packaging of a fallen holiday named after itself.
  4. Exercise pathological control ... There are always a lot of you - you look at his phone, follow him through special applications, monitor social networks, ask for flogging under a plausible pretext, ask in detail about the ex, find out the details of their completed love story, at the same time not forgetting to thoroughly learn everything about friends. These are manifestations of your fear of losing control of the situation. Often this behavior is characteristic of women who, being young, knew about the infidelity of the father of the mother.
  5. Demonstrating emotional instability. A minute ago, you were in euphoria and with burning eyes, but some unpleasant situation happened, and the picture sharply reverses: you are in a bad mood, you don't need anything anymore. The answer "everything is fine" on your part causes in the man anxiety . This is how the desire to drive him into a sense of guilt is manifested. And, most likely, your parents did so often, from whose example you adopted this model of behavior.
  6. You manipulate with your silence. If a man has done something wrong in front of you, in revenge you take revenge with silence, for example, without saying where you disappeared, where and with whom you went. Of course, so that your beloved will feel good about it.
  7. You absolutely do not trust his words. Everything said by the man is questioned: where he was, what he did, how the day went, with whom he contacted and spent time. This indicates that it is possible that someone cheated on you or in your family in childhood on the part of the father, an act of infidelity was carried out in the direction of the mother.

Sarcasm and disclaimer (second phase) 

Of course, one could argue that all of the above is a manifestation of psychological violence. “Nothing dramatic. Everybody does it. I love him! " - as an argument you will present. But in order to come to a definite conclusion, let's move on to a more significant second phase.

  1. Show sarcasm towards a man. You make fun of his masculine qualities, do not hesitate to speak out in this manner about intimate things, make fun of him in front of your friends, compare with other men and exes, cite them as an example. By this you make it clear which picture it must correspond to in order for you to love it.
  2. You idealize and then devalue your partner. First you praise him as an impeccable man , and then, finding a flaw, you can declare: "You are the same as everyone else!" This behavior is typical of narcissistic women who yearn for a vibrant relationship. It is likely that you choose a partner for profit, for the sake of meeting your needs.


It is possible that you yourself do not understand why you are doing this. You originally wanted everything to be good in the relationship.

Suppression and depreciation (third phase)

What happens next? The third phase of complete suppression and depreciation looks like this:

  1. You give ultimatums. You cannot stand resistance to your requests and demands and declare: "If you do it (or do not do it), I will leave you!" This can be accompanied by tears, fainting, and other manifestations of physical and mental suffering. Thus, the same restriction of personal life, space, the influence of society on the behavior of a man is carried out. It is often characteristic of women who take on the role of "mother". In other words: "You should only be with me and listen only to me!"
  2. You manipulate children. If you understand that a man is on the verge of breaking up with you and you have children, then the use of this lever of power becomes very active. "You will go away, you will never see the children!" - a common threat, like no other forcing a man to stay on a short leash.
  3. You stand up for your man not just in words, but in actions. You are ready to grab the throat of anyone who "offends" him - friends with whom they have a dispute, colleagues, partners. It is also connected with the desire to realize your “maternal” instinct, to show the man that no one will love him as much as you, and he should be grateful for that.
  4. You insult and humiliate him. You are not shy in expressions and can go far enough. This behavior indicates that you believe that you can afford it, have the right to it and are not afraid of the consequences. Probably, in your family, there was a condescending attitude towards men, and you carried this into adulthood. You may also subconsciously believe that you have the right to do so, considering the man your property, and that he is obliged to do what you tell him.
  5. You get hysterical in public. You, especially under the influence of alcohol , are quite capable of throwing ugly scenes of clarification of relationships, where accusations and claims are heard, without being embarrassed by the society around.
  6. You manipulate suicide. If a man, for example, in the process of a quarrel declares that he is leaving, you can threaten him that you will commit suicide. This is a typical abusive manipulation using pressure on the partner's pity and conscience. It is also evidence of poorly developed emotional intelligence and a lack of one's own sense of guilt in front of others.

What to do next 

What to do if some or even all of these signs have crept into your relationship? The conditions in which you coexist are psychologically unbearable. ... Agree, including for you. Swinging on this emotional swing, you constantly work out some traumas of the past , not finding comfort and psychological stability, but simply a steady feeling of happiness.

Is there a way out? Can anything be changed? Despite the fact that the abuser rarely agrees with this status, finding the reason for the discord in the imperfection of the partner, it is still much easier for a woman to do this than for a man.

Your willingness to drastically change something in a relationship should begin with confessing that you are using psychological abuse , thereby harming both the partner and yourself. Influence of events from childhood as one of the main reasons why you use psychological abuse: you are not born with it, but you acquire.

Now you need to understand what can be done to change this:

  1. Confess to your man that you are using psychological violence. This is a very difficult step. But when you talk about such problems, it becomes easier for you to control them, and you can receive the necessary support and help that will ground you. It is necessary to explain that you still cannot communicate in any other way, that you need to learn how to do it.
  2. Apologize to the man and start developing emotional intelligence using various techniques. Lack of empathy is the reason why you do not understand what kind of trauma you inflict on your partner and how he feels during your conflicts.
  3. Define your model of behavior and try to remember and fix all traumatic situations for you, starting from deep childhood. Determine what exactly causes you pain, resentment, guilt, fear, insecurity? What beliefs did they impose on you? Work out the reasons why you use psychological abuse.
  4. Start recording every episode of abuse in your personal diary to understand in what situations and what techniques you use. Reflect in it how this behavior affects your relationship with a man, in particular, on himself and his behavior.
  5. Learn to express your pain constructively , aggression, stress with a variety of exercises and techniques. A person does not have "wrong" emotions, although they can be negative. They also have to be taken. Therefore, you need to determine what emotions you are experiencing, for what reasons and how it can be expressed ecologically. Create your own diary of "agreements" so that your conflicts do not go beyond and emotionally "slow down" in time.
  6. If, after all, your relationship with your partner is over, no need to despair and be afraid to create new ... If you work on yourself in the next relationship, it will be easier for you to rebuild and start looking more from the outside at yourself and your behavior.
  7. If you feel like you can't handle it on your own find an opportunity to contact a specialist .