Living in two families is a difficult socio-psychological phenomenon, expressed in the fact that a person simultaneously maintains stable relationships with two partners. What should a woman do if her husband lives in two families and is not going to change anything?
Why did it happen
Most often, a stable relationship with two women is struck by neurotic individuals. Such men are usually wealthy, they are able to fully provide for both families.
Let's consider a typical example. When a man was just starting his journey into adulthood, a woman appeared in his life. And not so much he himself wanted to marry her, as she made such a choice for him. In other words, he simply agreed. Perhaps he had low self-esteem, or he was simply overly shy. He may also lack communication skills.
Very often, the first marriage is not a result of a choice, but a coincidence. As the man's career developed, he felt that he himself was becoming a different person. All this time, he developed, and his wife continued to remain at the same level. She stayed at home with children, interacted with only a small number of people, and her opportunities for self-improvement were always limited.
At some point, the man realized that his wife weighed down, that he did not receive the necessary emotional satisfaction from these relationships, which seemed boring and insipid to him. And then it happens that he starts a relationship with another woman - not necessarily younger, but necessarily in something more interesting and, perhaps, more attentive to his needs. With her, he experiences a passion of love , deep feelings, they build relationships for the soul. But all this does not lead to the fact that the man leaves the first woman, because he went through with her all the hardships, all the difficulties, the entire path of the formation of his career. With her, he is associated with a relationship of duty. This does not exclude good feelings, love for his wife. But a person cannot choose whom he loves more. Therefore, he decides to leave everything as it is.
The man falls into the typical trap of the neurotic, because the traditional rational decision-making strategies do not work for him. He is unable to make a choice. A neurotic can endlessly list the pros and cons of both women or the relationship as a whole, but that doesn't get anywhere. Because such a decision must be made in accordance with feelings. And a neurotic man living in two families very often does not have full contact with his feelings. He can only vaguely feel guilty, because he realizes that he is violating some basic agreements by deceiving two women.and children (if any). He can have a very difficult, stressful life, because from day to day he needs to think through a certain scenario and behave in such a way that no one is suspicious. And this takes up a huge amount of energy.
Such a man is engaged in activities related to two families, and he only thinks about how not to give himself away and do something that may disturb his comfort. And since such a person has contact only with a feeling of personal pleasure and comfort, it is difficult for him to make a fundamental existential decision, which will mean that one woman will remain in the past, and with the other he will live. He cannot make a choice based on a rational strategy, this is a dead end situation for him.
In principle, it is difficult for a neurotic to make final decisions - to some extent they remind him of death, of inevitability, of something that has irreversible consequences. And the dream of such a person is the ability to constantly repeat something, alter, return to the same thing. And this man often uses a neurotic strategy of shifting responsibility.
He will hope that one of the women will make the decision instead. And since the bigamist cannot talk to his partners honestly and openly, he will try to catch each of them on some little things. Consciously or unconsciously, but he will try to catch them violating the rules associated in his mind with a feeling of comfort. And if he nevertheless catches one of the women on infidelity, he can decisively break off relations with her, since in this case all responsibility will be removed from him.
Often circumstances develop in such a way that both of these women are financially dependent on their partner. They are dependent and fully interested in the relationship to continue as long as possible. And the neurotic has no formal opportunity to catch any of them breaking the rules. It turns out to be a dead end situation.
What have you to do with
If you know what may be behind the behavior of a person living in two families, it will be much easier for you to understand this situation and make a final decision. First of all, think about what you want yourself, and how dissatisfied you are with the life you are living now. Further, there may be several options. If you want to keep the relationship, you can leave everything as it is and continue to put up with the presence of another woman in your spouse's life. Usually this option is chosen by those to whom all other paths seem more traumatic. Realizing the difficulties in store for divorce, some women choose to leave things as they are.
If this option is unacceptable for you, but you still want to keep the relationship , you can try to force your husband to make the final choice. But, most likely, the matter will end with uncertainty, promises or the man's words that he will definitely think about everything. As we have seen, neurotics simply cannot make choices based on rational strategy. Therefore, the best thing that you can do to get out of this situation correctly and most painlessly is to recommend your spouse to work with a psychologist.
A person living in two families has a weak or conflicting set of moral principles and rules. And the place of morality and ethics is often taken by environmental friendliness. Such a man carefully monitors that the people around him are not upset and do not receive direct harm, he is ready to compensate for their moral suffering, he is ready to take care of his families and provide them financially. But he sincerely does not understand that the very fact of deception in relation to other people can cause them serious psychological harm. Most often, moral principles in his understanding are some external pressure, something that is imposed by society, and they can be easily rejected by it. It is difficult for him to understand where he got this vague feeling of guilt, sometimes he does not associate it with a violation of moral principles at all.
Working with a psychologist in this case involves the development of access to feelings, the weakening of the idealized image, requirements for others and self-hatred. It also requires serious work to strengthen moral principles. Without such principles, without following some ethical rules and norms, a person seems to dangle from side to side, unable to focus and concentrate on one thing.
If you are sure that you want to maintain the relationship (or at least just get out of the situation correctly), then you can try to convey some things to your spouse: it makes sense to try to make your life more morally oriented, and your behavior more principled. And it’s good if your spouse will meet you halfway and decide to work with a specialist.
If he still does not want to leave another woman, or even makes a choice in her favor, think: is it worth fighting for this relationship and trying to keep it? And if a man rejects any attempts to help and does not agree to solve the problem with joint efforts, you better rethink the value of this marriage.
And remember that you always have options, you can end a relationship at any time that is uncomfortable for you and does not bring anything positive into your life. Take care of yourself, love yourself and don't let people solve their psychological problems at your expense.
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