Give him back! How to teach a child to stand up for themselves

 Should the child hit back? This is not only about some physical actions, but also about the ability to give the offender a verbal rebuff. We teach children to react correctly to aggressors and get out of difficult situations.

Most often, you can hear two main complaints from parents:

1. Children are overly aggressive, and their behavior is inadequate to the situation: they avoid the stage of dialogue, immediately rush into a fight, very actively respond to the offender.

2. Children cannot stand up for themselves, cry, run away, get lost, do not understand what to do. Both of these situations do not suit the parents. 

If a child is very aggressive and unable to enter into dialogue, it is very important for parents to understand why he is behaving this way. Not to attack him, not to aggravate the situation, but to figure out what could be the reasons for this behavior. And this often happens due to the fact that at home the child observes a rather aggressive and tough attitude of parents towards each other. 

The way a child reacts to a situation is 80% dependent on what he sees in the family: how parents treat each other, how they react to negative situations, how they relate to the child, whether they are able to adequately deal with their aggression. If a child always uses his fists, chances are he has no voice in the family. For example, he has a very authoritarian dad who does not give him the opportunity to express his opinion, does not listen to the end, interrupts any words with the phrase "Why do you even allow yourself to say anything?" Approximately the following position is instilled in him: "You are weaker, you cannot answer me in any way, I have the right to behave with you this way." 

If a child is strong, he tolerates it, but inside he accumulates the unspoken, not done. And he wants to throw it all out of himself. And when he goes outside and sees someone weaker, he begins to behave in accordance with the learned position, because he has no idea about another format of showdown. 

There is also the opposite situation, when parents are very squeezed and cannot throw out their emotions, they endure, go into resentment. They have not learned how to express emotions correctly , all their aggression remains inside. And the child, behaving aggressively, shows those emotions that they are trying to suppress.

If the child is very quiet, constantly withdraws from conflict and cannot stand up for himself at all, the reason may also lie in the authoritarianism of the parents. He has no strength to withstand the onslaught. Often, when children do not have the opportunity to feel their strength, to express something, they simply stop opening their mouths altogether. They are of the opinion that if they are shouted at, they must give up. And when children cannot withstand and withstand the onslaught, they go to the other extreme - completely give in. If a child behaves more actively (while he may even be younger or less physically), they immediately go into a weak position. 

We are all human, and we have the right to make mistakes and behave incorrectly, but it is within our power to change something in our behavior. Consider your family: how you all behave in relation to each other, how you resolve conflict situations, how you relate to the child's opinion. Take responsibility and decide what you can do to change today.

7 steps to building self-confidence

Every parent wants their child to behave adequately and be able to navigate in time. But how can a child develop a healthy ability to stand up for himself? 

1. Focus on the child

Every parent has some expectations of their children. And when these expectations are not met, the mother and father may feel anger, frustration. First of all, you need to take into account the characteristics of the child, accept him and stop expecting some specific behavior from him. All children are different: someone easily goes into battle, while someone is more restrained in himself and simply does not want to show aggression. The parent's task is to teach the child to understand their own characteristics. What can he do? How strong is he? How physically developed is he? Does he want to answer the offender or not? To teach, based on their characteristics, to choose the best model of behavior in a given situation.

It is important to take into account the age of the child, his character. He must make decisions based on himself, but at the same time understand that this is his area of ​​responsibility. It is also very important that parents do not rush into battle instead of children. If two one and a half year old children are playing in a sandbox, and one constantly throws sand at the other, none of the toddlers can explain what is happening and what to do. You can simply leave this place so that the child does not encounter the “abuser”. 

2. Teach the art of communication

It is important to teach your child how to talk and solve issues through dialogue. Sometimes, in response to aggression, it is enough to simply say: “Stop! I do not like this".

Many children are not taught in the family how to discuss disagreements. They do not see such an example between parents, do not feel respectful of their thoughts, it is very difficult for them to accept the point of view of another. As long as there is an opportunity, it is necessary to conduct a dialogue - this idea is important to assimilate. If they show physical strength, you can respond in kind, but for this the child must be sufficiently developed. It must be explained that if the strength is not on his side, if the opponent is stronger, then you can leave, even run away. At this moment, he should not think that he is a coward, that he is weak. This is not cowardice, but rationality.

The child should be free to choose. He will not get weaker and worse if he looks for a suitable solution. Parents must allow the child to be who he is. And the child will find a way out of the situation if the parents take into account his peculiarities and accept him. The task of adults is to show options for getting out of the problem. 

There is no need to blame and scold the child if he “stood and watched” while being called names. It is necessary to understand the situation, and if the child “lost” , be sure to discuss with him that this happens, and no one can be perfect. You need to encourage the child, offer him phrases and actions that he can use if the situation repeats. 

3. Teach to ask for help

Explain that if they are being bullied and the child cannot handle it, then there is nothing wrong with asking for help. Older children, parents, brothers or sisters, teachers. This is not sneaking, he will not become a weakling from it. And he should know that if he comes to his parents, they will support him and take his side. If the power is not on his side, he can fight it as much as he wants, but he will not get the desired result. To resort to help is also an indicator of intelligence, wisdom, understanding of one's interests and the fact that they need to be defended. 

4. Take the blame

Often, when a child is faced with accusations in a family, when parents cannot admit mistake and guilt, he has a feeling that the responsibility for everything lies with him. And that carries over to relationships with others. He constantly thinks that he did something wrong, that everything happened through his fault. This feeling is destructive.

The child needs to be taught that the problem is not always within himself. There are people with whom it is impossible to talk, to build a dialogue. Sometimes you shouldn't communicate with a person at all and try to explain something to him. Better to just leave.  

5. Praise for constructive solutions

Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya is convinced that it is necessary to praise children for their behavior when they are in control of themselves and do not get involved in a fight. You can, for example, say: “You are such a fine fellow that you did not hit him, although you could have done it. Let's think together how we can help you, how to make sure that no one gets hurt. You can go bang your pillow or come up to me, and I will hug you to make it easier for you. What else can you do? Maybe push up from the floor to throw everything out of yourself? " If we could keep a pause every time we had an impulsive desire to do something, we would live in a completely different world. 

6. Learn to assess the situation

The use of physical force must always be appropriate to the situation. A child should not start hitting if someone accidentally touched him or pulled his clothes. If we teach a child to use fists right away, we give him a very narrow idea of ​​the options that can be used. And this will affect both family life and relationships with any other people. The child must use physical force when there are no more options. When something threatens him, when he has nowhere else to wait for help, and the offender does not lag behind, is not going to change tactics.

7. Respect personal boundaries

It is very important to respect the boundaries of the child and always support him. Let him know that his parents are always for him. In any situation. Even if he overdid it with aggression somewhere. At home, you can calmly talk to him, explain everything to him. You need to teach the child to express his feelings in words and warn about what he does not like. No need to force him to endure, for example, the hugs of relatives only out of politeness. You need to respect his boundaries and desires. It will be very useful to him in life.